“September 17”

Currently, I’m on the flight heading back to KL. I'm in Tawau for 2 days on a mission. Mission that determine my path. Mission that determine things that I've been planning, working, busting my ass for the past 9 years. The minute I step foot on the plane, it's all been history. Gone. Kaput. Even though it's unfair and cruel to me, I try to understand. I try to accept it. I've already gave everything but the decision is not mine.

As my previous post...It's been a dull and hectic week, month and year. Everything planned their attack at the same time in every angle. Friends, work life, and many more. At first 1 by 1, I handle it. Slowly I play my war game but when this thing hit, the one, the only one hit...,I can't take it. The truth is, I’m not ready for it. It was a head shot and I'm barely standing.

Why does this happen? Don't ask me. Until now I am still looking for an answer. The answer…. I’ve asking around but been answered with tears...Question without an answer.. Look, I’m just a simple person, well, at least not a complicated one. I plan and I execute. I’ll voice out that I’ve think is not right. I've do compliment and don't forget to reward. I’ve tried to be a gentleman as I could. Everything goes well at first, but suddenly it been blow up to pieces. It was like you building a Taj Mahal. Need a hard work and full commitment and years to complete. Build from bottom to top. When the time comes to place the dome, to complete the final touch, someone planted a bomb at the foundation and blow it one by one. Slowly, it down to the ground. Yes, I was too close to the finishing line but felt before completed the race. No second chance given. Why ? I don't have the fucking answer. To me it's unfair and cruel.

Who's to blame? I don't know actually. Fuck! I don't know. No one. It just that the victory is not on our side. We lost the battle. The end is not a good ending.

How do I feel? Good. Not good actually…Well, bad. Honestly, really bad.. but what to do? Damage has been done. Have to move forward. Create another future. However, I never regret. Not a bit. All those years were unforgetful experience. A lovely one. Thank you for that. I respect the decision.

Hope? For now, I would like to accept it as no hope. Hopeless, so I can still move and keep on moving but it’s all in god hand and deep down inside still.....Is it really happening? Will I start all over again.So far NO is the right answer. Need to focus on things. Mark my word, even all the hassle I’ve been through, I’ll make sure that my name will always be remember.

~vCoke 17 September 2007, 5th day of fasting month~